Some things in life I simply Do Not Get. Here are ten.
1. How heavy airplanes fly. I don’t buy all that fluid mechanics stuff. Have you ever tried to LIFT or DRAG an airplane?! Or stand behind one … and THRUST it forward?! Come on. That’s a lotta WEIGHT!
2. How very pretty I think lard is.
3. The Kardashians
4. The big embarrassing fact that throughout my life, when I hear the song, “Ain’t Gonna Bump No More with No Big Fat Woman,” I cannot get it off my mind for days, weeks, sometimes months. I feel like a politically incorrect sizist (that word looks funny), but I keep humming “Ain’t Gonna” anyway, often turning beet red for fear of being overheard. And I have this insane desire to bump with every overweight woman I encounter at Big Lots.
(Confession: I loved My Big Fat Greek Wedding.)
5. The periodic table of the elements.
6. Mincemeat, or more specifically, mincemeat apple pie.
7. Men’s neck ties. Why?
8. The unfathomable (to me) discrepancy between our society’s overall abhorrence of violence and the blockbuster popularity of gratuitously and graphically over-the-top depiction of violence in so many movies and in popular entertainment.
9. Why teachers don’t earn more money.
(According to SI.com’s Fortunate 50, Floyd Mayweather Jr. is projected to be the highest-paid athlete in American sports for the second straight year, potentially earning between $90 million and $128 million.)
(Robert Downey Jr is set to become Hollywood’s first $100 million man. From ET.)
(Hillary Clinton has wasted no time cashing in on the lecture circuit as it was revealed today that she will be charging $200,000 per speech. From MailOnline.)
10. My obsessive, immature love of Red Hots.
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P.S. I’m available to give speeches anywhere in the continental United States for a fee of $19.99 plus dinner at Applebees and a bag of Red Hots.